When someone you love dies it changes everything. The replaceable become irreplaceable. The insignificant suddenly become imbued with significance. Perspectives shift and priorities play this eternal game of leap frog that is not only confusing but exhausting. Perhaps eternal is the wrong word but in the beginning stages of grief everything seems eternal.
After I "lost" my Mother I cherished tangible evidence of her life, i.e. her books, clothes, jewelry, kitchen items, movies, cds, ANYTHING. Pictures are especially valuable in preserving a memory of her physical appearance. However, cards and letters she addressed to me and others are something I cherish more than I imagined. Recently I found a letter my Mother addressed to me which I received at a Youth Conference in 1994. Tears ran freely as I read the words my Mother wrote to me so long ago. It reads:
July 26
Dearest Amber-
By the time you read your letter Youth Conference will be coming to a close, and I sincerely hope you have had a great time. You have made memories and friendships you'll never forget. I know you have endured because you have a positive and bubbly attitude. Unlike most young women your age, you make the most out of any situation.
Amber I believe in your future and your abilities to attain great and wonderful things. It angers me you don't see your own potential sometimes.
You are special Amber because of this time and day you were born. You have been chosen to come to earth during these last days because you were so faithful and righteous in the spirit world. Your Heavenly Father saved you to come to earth during the last dispensation because he knew how hard Earth life would be during this time. He knew you would "sustain and endure to the end." He knows the desires of your heart. He is aware of the danger and temptations you face every day. Don't think for one second I know you and your brother feel hurt and pain from the situation you face not having a mother and father married and living in the same house. I know also just like Heavenly Father what you desire from a family.
But always remember the Lord will bless you and protect you if you stay close to the church. You know the difference when the spirit is with you and when he is not.
You and Joshua always say I never been my testimony, which is true. And I guess it would be a true example of how I feel about the Church. People express their love and devotion to the Church in different ways. You will express your devotion in your way and so will Joshua.
I know the Church is true. I can never fully get away from it. I miss it when I'm away for a short period of time and year to go back. I know the difference of not having the blessings of our Heavenly Father. That's how I know the Church is true. Because it makes sense and I just simply cannot live without it.
I hope and pray you will always stay close to the Church Amber. It will be the only true thing to hold on to when this Earth gets so wicked. You have to stay close to the Church Amber and I'm not saying I hope you will or please stay close or at least raise your children in the Church. I'm saying you have too!!
There is nothing equal to the happiness you will receive not to mention the peace. That's what I missed the most; the peace of the gospel. It comforts and soothes my contrite and rebellious heart.
In closing I want to say how proud I am of you. I'm always telling my friends I never worry about you going astray. Your a young woman now. I know you think I don't have patience with you and Josh and you're right. I don't and I know I don't. I'm always struggling to be more patient and understanding of you.
You're a beautiful young woman. You have the most wonderful future ahead of you. I know because its your decision. You make it what it is-Right. Its all in the attitude!
Remember what Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You'll never know what you'll get." And this is my Forrest Gump saying, "Its not what life deals you but rather how you deal with life."
Amber stay close to the Church. Marry someone in the Church. Be patient with your mate. Don't expect too much. Be independent but love your mate and be kind to him.
I love you and want what is best for you. I want you to always remember that no matter what. Okay?
I love you,
Mom
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